Our precious baby went on to Heaven. Papaw must have needed a sidekick. Thanks in advance for prayers. -posted to Facebook on July 14, 2015
And this happened. I've never felt so completely crushed in spirit. I thought I had. When I went in for that critical ultrasound with Avery, and I got the heartbreaking "cystic hygroma" diagnosis, I thought I knew what that felt like. I didn't. Even with that diagnosis, I still had a shimmer of hope that eventually grew into an unwavering strength instilled by God himself. That day, July 14, 2015, was a day like no other I'd ever experienced. I wasn't surprised really. As much as I hate to say this, the terrible news didn't come as such a shock as you'd think it would. After the traumatic experience of watching my father die, along with the smaller negative events that followed, it almost seemed like this was the next of my series of unfortunate events. Wow, it sounds so terrible when I read that in print. It's how I felt. I was surprised when I found out I was pregnant. It wasn't that I didn't know it was possible. Jake and I had talked about having one more baby, but we decided it would be something that would have to just happen. I didn't take medication or mark my calendar, or anything like that. It just happened. I was surprised by the ease of it all. Of course, I felt that this was my "good"...you know what you think you deserve after a lot of bad things happen in your life. This was my "good". It was something to soothe the pain of losing Dad, and it was something to soften the blow of that job that wasn't meant for my husband. It was this one sign of encouragement that I needed in that moment, and it brought me much needed joy. We decided to use a "C" name to follow the accidental pattern of the first two children, "A" and "B". The middle name was a no brainer- Sidney. We headed to the beach for vacation, and I had similar feelings that I had early in my pregnancy with Avery. It made me think we may be having a girl. Avery was certain it was a boy because that is what she said she wanted. Bryce? He didn't care all that much! I remembered the last time I'd been to the beach. Dad was there with us, and I was pregnant with Bryce. We got home, and I anxiously awaited my first appointment. I went back, and there the sweet child was....everything looked, measured, and sounded just perfect. I went on home after scheduling my next appointment. Later that month, Mom and I took the kids to Canyon Lake to visit my brother, Michael, and I felt more and more pregnant. It seemed that with this child, my 3rd, my belly grew from the moment I took the test. I was showing even though I wasn't very far along. I was excited about my next appointment because we would do a blood test to reveal any issues AND the gender. To find out what were having so early was exciting to me! Little did I know that the appointment would be another that wouldn't go as I originally thought. Jake and the kids went with me. I went back, and Dr. Kimmel began to listen for the heartbeat. I lay there and got that same sick feeling I often got during my pregnancy with Avery as she searched to hear a heartbeat that wasn't there. Avery's always made a sound after searching and searching, but this time....nothing. We walked downstairs to check with ultrasound, and Jan, my buddy from my Avery pregnancy, quickly began to look. There my baby was...not moving. My angel hadn't grown much from my last appointment. I wanted to become invisible. I didn't want to see those looks and hear those, "I'm so sorries". I just wanted to vanish for a while. All I could say was, "It's okay....this happens a lot." Dr. Kimmel assured me this was nothing I had done, and it couldn't be my fault. I heard her, but did I really? Jake was blank, and I could tell he didn't know what to do or say. He had to go to work, and I assured him I was okay. I went back to the house our renters had destroyed and began to clean while I waited on my mother in law to come pick up the kids. I had a DNC scheduled for the following day. I felt blank. All I could do was cry. I don't know if I have ever felt more sad. The losses I had endured over the last 3 months were more than I was able to bear. Completely broken. I wondered. I questioned. I did not understand why this was happening to me. Why this after everything else? I went in to have my procedure done, and the waiting was terrible. Dr. Kimmel was kind as always. I spoke to her, then minutes later, I was out. I woke up, and it was done. That quickly, I didn't have a baby inside of me any more. I slept it off for the rest of the day, and we got the kids back the next day. I truly don't remember much else for a period of time except for the sadness and the tears. I couldn't snap out of it. I can only imagine being in Jake's shoes. He tried, but nothing helped. I looked awful and I felt awful. I cried and cried. At least, I did alone. I tried to hide it from everyone else. Church was tough. I'll never forget my friend, Cindy, asking if I was okay. I felt like she could see right through me. Another sweet family who had just had a baby at the time sat right in front of me that day. As a David Crowder song played, "There is no sorrow that Heaven can't heal," Cindy looked back at the baby then me, and she knew. She messaged me later that day, and I felt thankful that someone could understand the pain that I felt. She had felt it too. You see miscarriages happen all the time, but that doesn't mean we should shrug it off and pretend that it is okay just because it is common. Just because you don't physically hold a child doesn't mean it didn't exist. There is a life before there is a death. Therefore, the death should be mourned. Of course, we all deal with things differently, and there is no right or wrong way. By the same token, there should be no shame in your sadness. It happened. While the pain can cut deeply, and we shouldn't stay in the sadness, it is okay to feel. I know I wasn't in a good place, and someone I truly trust encouraged me to get some grief counseling. I didn't want to, but the concern on my husband's face, and the thought that I wasn't being all I needed to be for him and Avery and Bryce, that pushed me into it. I remember sitting there thinking, "Am I really doing this?" Molly came to the door, and she seemed nice enough, but before I even made it to her office, I was in tears. She assured me it was normal because I knew I was about the face some things I may have been avoiding. May have been? No, I was definitely avoiding them! I laid it all out there, and I could tell she was even shocked by what had occurred in such a brief period of time. I guess seeing her reaction made me realize that my grief and sense of loss were valid. I revealed things to her about my father's death that I hadn't shared with anyone. I actually spoke things that my mind wouldn't let me forget. It was a process, and I had to do some things.....I still do. Thankfully, Molly helped me through this extremely rough patch, and so did God. I haven't said much about him, but he's the one who lined it all up for me. He's the one who opened my eyes to what I needed and the amazing things I already have right in front of me. He made me grateful despite my pain. He helped me to see that he hurts with me. So here I am, months later. I am finally in a better place. I still find myself in small holes of sadness, but my mind won't let me stay there too long. I must choose joy...see the beautiful. My two children are amazing, and they need me. Jake needs me. My students need me. My mom needs me. I need myself to be okay. The holidays were really hard this year. I know there will always be those times that are just that- really hard. That's life, and that's dealing with loss. You can't escape it. Staying there though...that's what doesn't do anyone any good. It's selfish really. So, you move on, but you never forget. I will never forget. I will always have this special piece of my heart that is already in Heaven. I will find comfort in knowing that I will meet my baby again, and I will enjoy a dream that my dad gets to be with that baby too. I will smile because that child will only know peace, love, comfort, happiness.....Heaven.
While we had a due date of January 25th, my doctor and I had agreed to schedule a C-section on my brother, Michael's, birthday, January 13th. This was the week of Bryce's birthday as well. I have chosen to celebrate and remember our baby's life on this day. You often wonder about your kids. I wish I handled things like they do. "Papaw and Baby are in Heaven?" "OK!" Bryce points to stars out of the blue and says, "There's Papaw!" It's amazing really. It's just so matter of fact. They know Mommy is sad, but they just aren't. I am thankful for that.
This summer, before we lost our baby, Jake Bell and I made a family decision to sponsor a child through Compassion International. We grabbed the first card we saw, and it was this little guy from Rwanda. Not long after that, I miscarried. It's been pretty devastating going through the loss of both our little one and my father. Tonight, I wrote a quick note to our sponsored child and looked to find his birthday. My heart dropped when I realized it's the exact day we were going to give birth to our baby in January. I believe God gave me that. #thankyou - Facebook post
We could never learn to be brave and patient, if there were only joy in the world.
-Helen KellerI'm finding the courage to confront my pain and change things that aren't working for me.#BraveAtCrossway #grace #joshua1:9 - Facebook post
Your life mattered to us, no matter how short it was or how small you were. We will never forget you, our angel in Heaven. Happy Birthday, Baby C.
"When the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see
That I will be your remedy
When the world seems so cruel
And your heart makes you feel like a fool
I promise you will see
That I will be, I will be your remedy"
-Adele
"When the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see
That I will be your remedy
When the world seems so cruel
And your heart makes you feel like a fool
I promise you will see
That I will be, I will be your remedy"
-Adele
People probably wonder why I put so much out there. I like to call it "living out loud." This blog isn't much for other people, but it is good for me. It is also a way for me to document all that God has done in our lives for my children. My hope is for them to read all about it one day. I have these printed every so often for them. I am just catching up on things after going silent for a while. I needed time. - Megan
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