Saturday, September 3, 2016

The Struggle.

I woke this particular Saturday morning to no coffee. After a week of feeling like I was coming to my breaking point, I realized I was there. Jake had no job, and we were waiting on his retirement to hit our account to pay bills that needed to be paid. We should have received the money weeks before, but the company continually misinformed us on what they needed to accomplish getting the transfer. I went back to lie in bed truly not wanting to "adult"....I didn't think I could do it any more. I was just tired of struggling and waiting. After a brief pity party and a bit of encouragement from my loving husband, I got back out of bed. I went to the bathroom to wash my face, get some composure and begin my day. Who can stay in bed and cry with two bouncy kids waiting on you to get up (along with one literally kicking you from the inside)? I looked in the mirror and just asked God to get me through the day. I headed into the laundry room, put on a load of clothes, and I grabbed a decaf K-cup to precedingly make lemonade out of my lemons. As I sat to begin drinking my cup, it happened. Jake suddenly received a message that the funds we'd been waiting on had been transferred.

Then, I read this as I went through my FB feed: 
"Spend time with Me, for the pure pleasure of being in My company. I can brighten up the dullest of gray days; I can add sparkle to the routines of daily life... Even the most confusing day opens up before you as you go step by step with Me. My Presence goes with you wherever you go, providing Light for your path." —Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

#sparkle #light #JesusCalling

WOW. God continually leaves me dumbfounded. 

Life can be such a struggle.

In the past 8 years, I've faced more mountains than I ever imagined I would. The climb has not been easy. I almost lost a child several times and have continually watched her face things no parent would ever wish on their child,  I lost my dad and witnessed some pretty traumatic moments before I held his hand as he took his last breath. Within a month of that, my husband was overlooked and discouraged as someone else took the head coaching position at his alma mater, I then lost a child I was sure had to be my light after the darkness we'd been experiencing. At the same time, the renters we'd allowed to live in our Brandon house not only trashed it, they left us paying two mortgages and owing a $500 water bill (along with stealing some mail that was sent to the house by mistake including uniforms I'd purchased for Avery). Approximately one year later, my husband was pretty much pushed out of his job after he'd poured his heart and soul into a baseball program for 9 years, and I had to withstand working with someone who because of her own problems found herself wanting to create issues within my classroom at work by being untruthful and unkind.

I admit, I have questioned a lot especially within the last year and a half. I've often had bitter thoughts and felt hopeless. This type of series of unfortunate events can leave one wondering what she did to get herself here, and I am sure it leaves others thinking, "She must have done something to deserve it." The pains in life can certainly come from our choices, but as a Christian, I know that the Bible tells us to expect pain and struggle regardless of the choices we've made. It just happens. LIFE happens. People do things to hurt you whether they mean to or not. Cancer hits the best of people and the smallest of children. Good moms lose their babies while every day, mistreated children are abused and neglected and taken away from parents who don't really care about them. Jobs are political, and sometimes, it doesn't matter how great of a job you did, how hard you worked, how loyal and honest you were, or how much time you sacrificed away from your family. It is just the way things occur in a fallen world, and it can leave you feeling completely broken and in some pretty intense pain.

In my heart, I always try to figure out where God is in everything. I ponder what he is doing, and I get frustrated when I can't figure him out. God is mysterious, and his ways are not something my brain has the capacity to understand. I went to counseling and it helped a great deal because I was reminded of a very important part of my walk- GRACE. I was told that I didn't extend enough of that very important thing to myself, and I realized the utmost importance it plays in my relationships with others. I am FLAWED and so are other people. It may not always seem like God is working, but he is. He doesn't enjoy watching you in pain. He hurts with you. He provides a way when it seems like there isn't one. He rewards your faith, and he makes things happen when those flawed people or this flawed world try to destroy you. He stays with you in your intense grief and eventually brings something into your life to overshadow it some with great joy. He encourages you not to stay in dark places but to have hope and look for the light. He heals you. The thing is....you have to let him. You have to seek him. You have to continue the conversation and be honest with him. You have to lay things at his feet and place your hope in him- not others, not in situations, and more importantly not in yourself.

Trust is a tricky thing. I find myself completely being at peace in trusting the Lord with my life one day, then feeling overcome with anxiety and worry the next. That is a part of my human struggle. I allow my heart to feel overcome by hurt and my mind to continually return to all the things that (from what I've been told) caused some mild PTSD in my life. I've had to find balance, and I've had to make a choice to get up and move on regardless of what I feel like doing on a particular day. I've had to continue on with life for my children and shield them from what is going on underneath the surface. I've learned the joy of simplicity through them. I may cry with my joy, but when I hear my kids so simply say that they miss him but "Papaw is all better in Heaven"- it touches me and reminds me of that simple truth. I love seeing how they look at things.

I note all of that above to get to this. I can appreciate the struggle. If I had a choice, would I choose not to go through it all? Of course! However, what I have gone through has equipped me and given me more and more of a purpose. It shows me that I am chosen, and it has given me the ability to truly "delight" myself in the Lord. I notice things big and small that God does. I know some things can be called off as "coincidence," but there are lots of things that are by God's hand which he is not given credit for. As a believer, I feel like he's given me the ability to know when he's given me a gift, a peace, or an encouraging moment. That doesn't mean that I don't over analyze and mistake things that happen for something he's doing when they're not. During the past year and a half, I have been wrong about a lot. I have thought things were happening with us that didn't pan out. I had a plan in my mind that wasn't what God had in store. I thought I knew what he wanted for us, and I was wrong! It happens a lot! I tend to think I know what would be best for me and for my family, but there is only ONE that knows that. He is ALL-KNOWING. We can't compete with that or pretend to know things when we haven't a clue!

So in all of this, the struggle has been extremely significant, and it is has helped me to give God credit and truly appreciate the big and small blessings that could only come from the one who is truly in control. God doesn't make us do anything because of free will; however, I believe, he urges you to do things, so he can get through to you. May be, something pushes you to go to church on a day that you really feel like sleeping late, and you hear an important message that strikes you or encourages you. May be you feel the urge to change the radio station in a moment where a particular song airs or a message is given from someone that totally hits home with what you are going through. I believe God does those things, and he has really done them a lot during my struggles.

That brings me to two key verses: 

Be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead. 1 Peter 1:6 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

So, I noted all of the terrible things that have hit us above. Now let me get to the joy and the good.

I wasn't "trying" but I became pregnant for the 4th time this past April. The day I decided to take the test, I laid down on my bed and wept. I was scared to death! I didn't know what I wanted and I was just getting back to myself after dealing with depression and sadness over the deaths of my dad and child along with all of the other difficulties life was throwing at us. I was unsure of how we'd make it all work. The next thing I know, Jake resigned from MC. I could go on for hours about the wrongs that were done there, but what is the point? I have to get to the joy and the good. I nervously awaited every appointment, and thankfully, I was given the opportunity to have a newer blood test where I'd not only know if there was anything potentially harmful going on with the baby, but I'd also learn the gender. We found out very early on that we are having a girl and that everything is looking great. We went on to have a fetal echocardiogram and some targeted sonograms, and still, everything looks just right. We expect Milly to arrive via c-section on November 11, and we are excited about the joy she is bringing to our little family. I always wanted a full house. Of course, after having two children, struggling financially and with Avery's medical needs, and losing a baby to miscarriage, the dream of having lots of kids doesn't seem very logical.

This is where you know the desires of your heart mean something to God. Milly is a gift from him. She's my rainbow baby bringing beauty after the destruction of the storms I've faced. I admit, just like Avery's circumstances overshadowed some of the joy during my pregnancy with Avery and Dad's cancer overshadowed some of the joy during my pregnancy with Bryce, Jake's job situation most definitely overshadowed some of the joy of this pregnancy with Milly.

I have prayed for my husband for years for lots of reasons. One of the biggest areas I have prayed for is his career. While I've always asked for God's will, I would specifically ask for him to be rewarded with a better or head coaching position. During that time, I thought that was what his heart truly desired, and I saw how much he loved the game of baseball and what he did on a daily basis. I wanted him to be happy and have some control over his career. Most people realize that assistant coaches don't have much control. They usually work harder than anyone else and are very rarely given credit for anything. They also tend to get blamed for things that go wrong whether it is their fault or not. On top of that, they can be tossed aside in the blink of an eye for little to no reason. It is a part of the risk of coaching, and it is very stressful.

I have watched my husband in pain from stomach issues that we now realize are most likely stress related. I've seen him torn between doing his job and being there when we really needed him around as a  family. I've seen him try to better himself by getting his Master's degree while coaching full time and sleeping on a hospital floor through the birth and not one but two heart surgeries performed on his first child (one of which was in NYC DURING baseball season). He earned his Master's with an even higher GPA than his undergrad even through all of that. I saw him humble himself and work even harder when someone else was hired for the job that would have truly been a dream come true for him. I watched as he put the team above himself with recruiting and helped the new guy acclimate to life on his own turf. I saw him grow as a man, and I couldn't be more proud of him.

In turn, I couldn't have been more hurt by the way things turned out. Aside from hurt, I was angry. It was unfair, and it wasn't right. After resigning, Jake began applying all over for coaching jobs. Even with my pregnancy, we decided if moving was a part of the deal, it is what we would do. We even went to interview in Florida, and I thought for a minute it was part of what God had in store for us. After all, we both wanted to escape from where we were and wouldn't the beach be a nice, fresh start?! Soon after, Avery's hearing worsened and we began seeing she may need hearing aids. Along with that, she had her cardio appointment coming up, and we weren't sure if she'd be facing valve replacement sooner or later. There is the reality. What is best for her? Moving would mean replacing all of the long-term relationships with her medical team that have cared for her since birth. It would mean trusting another OB when the same one had delivered both of my children  along with performing my DNC after losing my baby. It would also mean me leaving a job that I truly love working with people who understand and care for me as more than just an employee.

We soon decided that moving just wasn't an option right now. As you can imagine, it closed even more doors in the coaching world. This past fall, Jake reached out to someone in the field of medical sales to re-do his resume because he had some thoughts of getting out of coaching. I must note that when he reached out to this person, it was before we had any idea that he would have to leave MC only months later. He had also made a decision to apply for those types of jobs along with coaching upon his resignation just to see what would happen. Strangely enough, every door we came to with coaching seemed to slam shut. The more it happened, the more Jake thought about what he really wanted and what is best for our family. He became immersed in searching for a job.

He had an offer for a really good industrial sales job, and we had to take a risk by not accepting it. Right before being offered that job, he was contacted by a recruiter for Beckman-Coulter. BC is a big company that sells medical laboratory equipment. Jake really connected with the recruiter who had also played college baseball. The recruiter was looking for "someone different" for the company at the request of the District Manager. Before we knew it, Jake had an interview at a hotel in Pearl with the DM who flew in just to interview him. It was supposed to last approximately 45 minutes, but it lasted nearly 2 hours. He came home that night saying he wished I could have been there because it went so well, and he was so confident. I could tell he felt God was with him. Then, we waited. They told him they'd like to move forward, but we'd go weeks hearing nothing. He continued to apply and apply and apply for other jobs. He had some face to face interviews, some phone interviews, and some online interviews. The next thing we know, BC told him they'd been interviewing other candidates, BUT they were only moving forward with HIM. We were thrilled!

Then...there was a lot more waiting. Jake interviewed 6 times with 6 different people over a span of almost two months for this job that he never even applied for! We began to get overly anxious wondering if all of this was for nothing. Thankfully, it wasn't! Two weeks ago, everything began to fall into place. The recruiter called and said he had to set up two more phone interviews, and being ready for this to be settled himself, he set them up within the same day. Everyone Jake came into contact with through this process connected with him personally. They just liked him. He breezed through those phone interviews, and the DM called him to say he'd be flown to Dallas for his final interview. While it may seem like a slam dunk at this point, I assure you it wasn't. It wasn't just an interview. Jake had to create a presentation based on a scenario given by the DM which would require long nights, research, and practice. On top of that. he would be interviewed by someone high up in the company who would essentially decide his fate.

Jake began to immerse himself in the preparation and went above and beyond to create a presentation packed with impact. I have never seen him so well spoken and ready for something. I am sure he was nervous, but God gave him confidence. His hard work paid off. He flew into Dallas the night before and woke up early the day of the interview. He arrived at the airport an hour early and convinced someone in the Admiral's Club to allow him back to the conference room where he'd  be interviewed. Before they arrived, Jake had everything set up for them. He practiced in the environment in the moments leading up to the interview/presentation to allow himself to become more comfortable. They showed up and in Jake's words, he "killed it." They told him they couldn't believe how much content he knew and that they didn't expect him to come in knowing it all. They also told him he is "very persuasive." To top it all off, they told him that just the day before another position opened up and that he was qualified for both! They asked him which one HE wanted.

Humbly, Jake told them that if they were offering him a job, he was accepting regardless of which position it was! He asked them to decide what they felt he was better suited to do. They had lunch and discussed things more, then Jake flew home overwhelmed by everything that occurred. We now have a job! It's not just a job but a huge blessing for our family. While he will still travel and work some long hours, he will be compensated very well earning even more with commission, have a car/cell/computer as part of the package, have better benefits, AND be home on the weekends! The DM even negotiated some things into his contract to sweeten the deal just because he likes Jake so much. He will still be a part of a team and get to use his competitive spirit day in and day out. He will be able to coach his own son when he plays ball and be around to take his family to church! He is essentially working from home. We have never been the type to focus on what we make or to place much value in material things. After all, I am a teacher and he has been a coach for years! What this means for us as a family is still such a relief that I can hardly put it all into words. This is our current  JOY and our GOOD that God promised. It resounds in my head over and over, "FOR HE WHO PROMISED IS FAITHFUL!" Then I continually hear , "THY WILL BE DONE." I get to rejoice in knowing that God's plan is bigger and better than what we plan for ourselves. This is nothing I could have ever dreamed up or expected. This was not where we thought our life was going, but truly we feel so overjoyed that this is what God has in his plan for us.

In all of this, I have been dependent on others for prayers. I have had a circle of people around us lifting us up that truly care for us. I learned so much about what prayer can do through my journey with Avery, and just like that situation, God answered us in a huge way in this one. So, today I am thankful for all of those who have loved us and taken the time to talk to God on our behalf just because they care. My prayer is that in this story, those very people become encouraged and their faith is strengthened. I hope they are richly blessed because of the love and support they have given to us when we truly needed it. You know who you are, and I thank God for each of you!

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thess. 5:11

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken. Ecc. 4: 9-12

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. James 5:16